How Much Explaining Is Too Much?

 

There is a certain exhaustion that comes with explaining yourself. At first it feels necessary because you do not want to be misunderstood. But after a while you start noticing that people are not interested in hearing it anymore. They say you explain too much and they ask you to stop. They get tired before you even finish. And that leaves you wondering if you should even explain.  

The need to explain does not come out of nowhere. Maybe it is because silence has worked against you before. Maybe people have misjudged you one too many times. Or maybe it is just how your mind works, You just want things to be clear. Or you want others to see what you see. But clarity is not always welcome. Some people do not want explanations. Some do not care enough to listen. And even those who do, will not have the patience forever.  

This dilemma can be understood through "Relevance theory", by scientists Dan Sperber and Deirdre Wilson within the field of pragmatics. Their theory argues that human communication is guided by the expectation of relevance, and so listeners naturally interpret information based on how useful and necessary it is to them. Over explaining happens when the speaker provides more detail than the listener finds relevant, leading to frustration. When people ask you to stop explaining, it is not always about the length of your words but their perceived usefulness. At some point, the effort to clarify becomes exhausting, not because the explanation is wrong, but because the listener has already decided how much they care to understand.

That is when you have to decide if it is worth it. Some things need to be said but not everything does. Some misunderstandings clear up with time. Others never will, no matter how much you try. And if people have already made up their minds about you no explanation will change that.  

So maybe the question is not whether you should explain, but who actually deserves an explanation. Because sometimes silence is not just an absence of words but a decision in itself.