Lost in Nothing

There are days when a person can sit through an entire conversation and realise afterwards that almost none of it stayed with him. He listened. He was present enough for nobody to notice anything unusual. But his attention seemed to pass through everything. 

It was not distraction in the usual sense. There was no particular thought pulling him away. Nothing was playing repeatedly in his head. Even when there were enough things in life that should have occupied his mind, he could not find a single thought to hold on to.

He could put on a film and scroll through his phone at the same time. The film would play while his thumb moved across the screen. Neither had his attention. He was occupied for hours without actually being occupied by anything.

Sometimes he would decide that he needed to do something with his day. Read. Write. Work. Get things done. But the intention would remain an intention. His head would begin to hurt without any obvious reason and whatever energy he had gathered seemed to disappear before he could use it.

The strangest part was the absence of an outlet. There was no great breakdown. No sudden tears. No anger that could be released. Even laughter seemed to stop. If someone asked what was wrong, there was no proper answer because nothing inside him had taken a shape he could name.

So the days became strangely full and strangely empty at the same time.

There were things happening around him. There were things he should have been thinking about. There were things he should have been feeling. Yet inside there seemed to be only a blank space with an unfamiliar heaviness to it.

Perhaps that is what makes this emptiness so difficult to explain. A crowded mind gives you something to point towards. You can say you are worried. You can say you are angry. You can say you are afraid.

But what do you call it when there is nothing you can point to?

Nothing seems to be happening inside you and yet you know something is not right.

The world continues. Days continue. Conversations continue. Screens continue glowing. And somewhere in the middle of all of it, a person can remain completely occupied by nothing.